Today in the morning I took the Pro Luta Livre class. I considered NOT taking that class, because I feel I am not at the appropriate level for the class, but I took a look at the schedule and nothing else in the morning really looked enticing, so I just decided to stick it out a few more days til I leave. I took class and basically we didn’t go over technique, we just ended up doing wrestling sparring. Yeah, I got my ass handed to me. In previous classes where I have learned wrestling moves, I can kind of do the techniques when we go slow. But when it comes to live wrestling, it’s a whole nuther animal.
This is also how I feel about the martial arts I have trained in general. I can take a boxing class, I can take a Muay Thai class, I can take a jiu jitsu class, or a wrestling class. I can follow the drills. I can mimic the movements in controlled settings. I can follow the choreography. But when it comes to actually fighting real time and trying to punch someone in the face, or take them down, or submit them, it’s like…I can’t. I haven’t studied that enough.
It seems the bulk of my training has been just basic movements, not actually sparring and trying to fight someone. It has been more recently that I have evolved to actually want to fuck somebody up (in a mutually consensual environment! I am a pacifist.)
I have been trying to do an honest assessment lately cuz I’m like…why the fuck do I suck so bad? I have been feeling pretty obsessed with martial arts for a while now… I mean, on and off. But there were definitely times that I was going to classes very regularly. And then there were times I didn’t give a second thought to martial arts cuz I was completely wrapped up in some other physical endeavor.
But let’s say for the last…ohhh…10 months or so that I have been obsessed with martial arts and taking classes almost every day in that time period? So why am I so shitty? I have the self-concept that I am athletically talented, and also that I succeed in anything I put my mind to…so if I am gifted, AND I have been putting my mind to MMA, why do I suck so badly?
So…that leads to my self assessments…
Here are some thoughts…
One is that in many classes that I have taken, it focuses on choreographed drills. It’s only in certain (upper level) classes where you actually focus on sparring skills, and I have not taken nearly as many classes that focus on sparring as on choreographed drills, so it would make sense that doing things live and unscripted provides much more foreign and challenging territory to me.
Secondly… Because my interests and classes have varied, I have not really focused to excel at any one discipline. I have taken krav maga (self defense, guns, knives, sticks), jiu jitsu, boxing, kickboxing, wrestling, MMA, as well as done running, weight lifting, a little dancing, etc… So, I know a little bit of a lot of things.. but not so much mastered any one thing. In my own defense of my defense, MMA requires mastering many disciplines.
Thirdly… Maybe I actually don’t suck that badly. Maybe I am just positioning myself amongst professional fighters and black belts. So, yeah, I get tapped all the time, and yes, I can’t get shit in on them… but maybe it’s only proper, because they are fucking black belts and pros!!! People who win championships and win medals and stand 1st place on podiums, and fuck people up. So maybe I shouldn’t feel SO bad. Maybe if I trained with some shitty newbs, I could fuck them up…but do I want to train with partners shittier than me? Seems like a double edged sword… But my inclination is to answer no…
I do feel lucky in two ways I would like to note, though.
I feel lucky that no one so far has been out to rip off my head. For example, today in the wrestling sparring earlier that I mentioned, no one went super hard on me, and no one hurt me. Wrestling can be super dangerous. And I came out alive and unscathed. Thanks to my cool training partners. I mean, if I got fucked up, I might tell everyone and that might be bad PR. And also, I would be less inclined to sign up again in the future, opportunity permitting. So, it’s actually a smart marketing scheme to not fuck up your own gym members. Keep em healthy, keep em happy, keep em coming back!
I also feel lucky in that I am still inspired to keep training. Getting beat, getting tapped left and right is no fun. I am constantly losing, constantly trying and failing. Constantly getting toyed with. Constantly getting manipulated. Constantly getting submitted. Constantly being pinned, with someone’s weight dominating me, constantly unable to move, constantly having my joints pulled in the opposite directions they are supposed to go. Even when they let me flow and let me work and let me try, I know they are just letting me, which I appreciate, but I know who is the boss. BUT, DESPITE THAT, I still persevere, and I am still optimistic. I don’t take it personally, I don’t think I’m morally corrupt/I’m a bad person, or something is wrong with me. I just know I have a lot more to learn. It takes many people 10 years, 20 years, or a lifetime to get a black belt in jiu jitsu. So why trip out about not being able to tap black belts if I’ve only been practicing consistently altogether for like…what…a year? (I’m thinking 3 months at Fairtex?, 3 months at Tiger, 3 months at Combat Sports Academy?, 4 jiu jitsu classes at Krav Zone?, 3 weeks at Victory MMA, a few miscellaneous lessons here and there. All this has been spread out. My first class was maybe around 8 years ago?) So I just need to keep perspective. I bet if I just stay positive and unphased and keep coming, keep being tapped, one day I will get better. I bet I will make significant progress if I do this straight for ten years ;P I can’t say anything about that, though. Maybe my passion will persevere and one day I will be a black belt and teach jiu jitsu. Or maybe I won’t. All I know is that right now I am really loving it and without it in my life, something feels like it’s missing. And I am getting tapped left and right but I am okay with that, and that’s the life of a white belt.
Okay, moving on.
So, I took the pro luta livre class where we did the wrestling sparring where I got my ass handed to me but peeps were nice and I didn’t get hurt.
Afternoon I handled biz like did laundry and computer work.
Then I took the MMA starter class. I turned out to be the only student today! The teacher is pretty hot in my opinion but too bad we totally don’t understand each other (linguistically). He was trying to show me this really complicated leg lock thing. Which is kind of unfortunate because not only is it physically hard to replicate, but he couldn’t explain it verbally, because we don’t speak the same language. So he kept on demonstrating, and I kept on trying to repeat it, but leg locks are like my anti-specialty, and I didn’t know if I was doing it right or not, or really what I was doing at all lol. Then he made this random boy who was sitting on the sidelines watching class, waiting for the next class to start, come in with us, so the teacher could demonstrate something on him, so I could watch, as opposed to being involved in the demonstration. I don’t exactly know what was happening, but looked like they got into some kind of argument about the positions, and the teacher seemed really angry and was yelling at the guy and moving around him, doing knee on belly, telling the guy to do certain things, but maybe the guy wasn’t doing things right, or questioning the teacher, I don’t know. Maybe the teacher had a short fuse today, but anyway I was kind of uncomfortable, and was just sitting on the mat, hearing the teacher in a very angry voice saying things in this foreign language, and I had no idea what was going on. Finally, the teacher returned to me, and seemed in a decent enough mood. We rolled for the end of class for like 5-10 min, and of course, once again, got my ass handed me to me. Do I even need to say my teacher is a black belt? He wouldn’t let me get shit. Motherfucker. But it was all good. I got to roll with the hottie. Too bad we can’t say anything to each other. We try. It just doesn’t work.
So, then I took the luta livre class. And in this class, similar to the morning class, there was no technique. Different teacher, same M.O.. It was just sparring/rolling. Again, got my ass handed to me. Not hurt or anything, but just sucked shit. I was definitely the worst person in class. Oh well. Didn’t get hurt. Everyone was cool enough. What more can you ask for?
Then I came home and cooked chicken. I live on the edge yo!
Love,
Kristina
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